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Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20
What method of contraception do you use? I’m always really nice and kind. - Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.” Judge: “Why didn’t you take
the bus?” Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus. *
In a bakery: Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.” Shop assistant:
“Cupcake?” Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?” The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!” The girl slapped him soundly. “What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek. “Customer feedback.”
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. They’re fiercely efficient
and not really given to jokes.
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian
says, "They're right behind you!"
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
"Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.
Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn a**holes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''
''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language!
You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come
back until you have thought about what you've done!''
So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.
He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on...
And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the a**hole in the kitchen!''
That’s all folks